Funeral Etiquette
When Should I Visit?
It is appropriate and frequently appreciated to visit the bereaved family at their home as soon as you learn of their passing in order to provide immediate support. However, since the funeral home is ready to receive visitors during these specified times, it is usually the best time to formally visit with family members and offer your condolences.
For those wanting to visit and offer practical assistance to the family before memorial services are held, these thoughtful actions can provide significant additional comfort during an overwhelming time. Consider offering to:
- Bring prepared meals or groceries
- Provide household necessities and supplies
- Assist with childcare or pet care
- Handle errands such as pharmacy runs or shopping
- Help with household chores like laundry or yard work
- Coordinate meal deliveries from other friends
- Answer phone calls or the door to give the family privacy
Since everyday chores can seem insurmountable while grieving, these tangible, useful gestures frequently mean more to a bereaved family than you may imagine.
What Should I Say?
When someone wants to pay their respects but is unsure of how to phrase it, this is probably the most frequently asked question. Giving the deceased's family a few heartfelt and sincere words shows them that you care about them and their loved one, even though it's true that words cannot fully capture the profound depth of such a loss.
Simple, heartfelt expressions work best:
- "I'm so sorry for your loss."
- "I'm thinking of you and your family during this difficult time."
- "Your mother/father/spouse was a wonderful person who will be deeply missed."
- "I have such fond memories of [name]. They made a real difference in my life."
- "Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help."
What to avoid saying:
- Try to avoid minimizing their grief with phrases like "at least they lived a long life" or "at least they're not suffering anymore."
- Avoid saying "they're in a better place now," which, while well-intentioned, may not provide the comfort you intend.
- Don't compare their loss to your own experiences by saying "I know how you feel" or launching into your own grief stories.
- Avoid asking intrusive questions about the cause of death or details of the person's final moments.
Just expressing your sympathy, sharing a brief positive memory if you have one, and giving a genuine hug or hand squeeze can sometimes be the most effective way to communicate when you're at a loss for words. Even when words cannot express what you want to say, your presence does.
Where Should I Sit?
Many attendees of funeral services are unfamiliar with customary seating arrangements, which can cause needless anxiety about one's own placement. Basic seating etiquette is easy to understand:
The first few rows of seats are usually reserved for immediate family members and very close friends who have been invited by the family to sit with them at both funeral services and visitation events. The family can still be in the company of their closest support system while enjoying privacy thanks to the reserved seating.
Select a seat a few rows behind the designated seating area if you are not a member of the immediate family or have not received a special invitation to sit with them. It is respectful to arrive early enough to choose a seat, and it also avoids the awkward situation of having to find a seat after services have started.
Funeral home employees or ushers are usually on hand to help you find a suitable seat if you're unsure about seating arrangements at a specific service.
What Should I Do?
Proper conduct at funeral services demonstrates respect for the deceased, their family, and the solemnity of the occasion.
Timing and Arrival: Being punctual, or even a few minutes early, is crucial and demonstrates consideration for the family and the service. To prevent disturbing people who might already be gathered or praying, enter the funeral home, church, or other service location as quietly as you can.
At Visitations: It is customary to go to the receiving line at a visitation or viewing, say a few words to the surviving family members, express your deepest sympathies, and then move on to give others their turn. If there is an open casket, you can view the deceased after paying your respects to the family. If not, you can sign the guest register, take a seat, or leave quietly if you are unable to stay for the full visitation period.
During Services: During funeral services, keep quiet and pay attention. Before you enter, put your phone in silent mode or turn it off entirely. It is extremely improper and disrespectful to use a cell phone during a funeral service, whether for browsing, texting, or checking messages. If you must answer a call or message right away, leave the service quietly and go into another room or outside the building.
Other Considerations:
- Dress conservatively in dark, subdued colors
- Avoid wearing bright colors, casual clothing, or anything that draws attention
- Be mindful of strong fragrances, as some people may be sensitive
- Follow the lead of others if you're unfamiliar with specific religious or cultural customs
- Remain standing, sitting, or kneeling as directed during religious services
What Should I Do About Children?
There is no clear-cut answer to the question of whether or not it is appropriate to bring children to a funeral or visitation because it depends on a number of significant factors, including the particular circumstances, the child's relationship to the deceased and their family, the child's age and maturity, and whether or not the child can be expected to behave appropriately in a solemn setting for an extended period of time.
Factors to consider:
- Age: Very young children (under 3-4) often have difficulty remaining quiet and still, which may be disruptive
- Relationship: Children who were close to the deceased often benefit from attending and saying goodbye
- Temperament: Consider your child's individual ability to handle emotionally charged situations
- Length of service: Shorter services are more manageable for children than lengthy ones
- Child's wishes: Older children should have input about whether they want to attend
If you decide to bring your child: Explain in detail what will happen at the service, what they might see (such as an open casket, if applicable), how people might be crying or upset, and precisely how they should act during that time. Make it clear that you expect people to be respectful, quiet, and seated.
Sitting close to an exit will allow you to discreetly and swiftly leave in the event that your child becomes unruly or restless. If suitable for the environment, bring quiet activities like coloring books.
Some families choose to have one parent attend the service while the other stays home with young children, or to bring children only to the visitation (which is less formal) rather than the funeral service itself.
What Should I Give?
There are several appropriate ways to express your sympathy and support through gestures and gifts:
- Flowers: A customary and suitable way to express condolences is to send flower arrangements to the family's residence or to the funeral home for display during services. In addition to making the service more beautiful, floral tributes offer solace to the family. Include a card with a brief note of sympathy if you are sending flowers.
- Charitable Donations: In certain situations, family members might ask that instead of flowers, money be donated to a specific foundation, charity, medical research group, or cause that held special meaning for the departed. This preference should be respected and honored when it is stated by the family or in the obituary. Donate in the name of the departed and make sure the organization informs the family of your contribution.
- Food: Another considerate way to honor the bereaved family and offer them useful support is to bring or send food to their home. The family won't have to worry about cooking during their trying time if they have prepared meals, casseroles, sandwich trays, fruit baskets, or baked goods. If you are aware of any dietary restrictions, take them into account and include heating instructions.
- Sympathy Cards: Sending the family a heartfelt sympathy card with a personal note sharing a memory or expressing your condolences is a less expensive but perfectly appropriate and meaningful option. There is no time restriction or expiration date on when sympathy cards can be sent; they can be sent as soon as the death is announced, following the funeral services, or even weeks or months later. Cards that arrive weeks after the funeral can be particularly poignant when the family is still grieving and the initial support has subsided.