Children & Grief
Death is a normal part of life. Experts in child development agree that when a loved one dies, children, even very young ones, should not be completely shielded from the truth about death. Kids can understand that death is a big deal and are naturally curious about what happened. Professionals generally advise that you talk to the child about the death in a simple, honest, and truthful way, using words and explanations that are right for their age and level of understanding.
Start by asking questions to find out what the child already knows or understands about what's going on. Then you can tell them what happened in simple, honest words that they can understand. You could say, "Grandma's heart got very tired and stopped working, so her body died."
It is very important not to give answers that could confuse or scare the child for no reason. Don't use euphemisms like "Grandma went to sleep and won't wake up" or "God needed Grandma in heaven, so He took her to be with the angels." These phrases are meant to be comforting and soothing, but young kids may take them much more literally and be scared by them. For instance, a child might be very afraid to go to sleep at night because they are afraid the same thing will happen to them, or they might be angry with God for "taking" their grandmother away.
If the child wants to, let them ask questions, but don't make them talk or answer if they aren't ready. A younger child might ask specific questions like "Where is Grandma's body now?" or "Is my kitty who died with Grandma?" Older kids usually understand death better and may ask more abstract or philosophical questions about faith, spirituality, the meaning of life, or what happens after we die. The most important thing for any age group is to give honest, clear answers using words and ideas that the child can understand at their level of development.
How do you explain the death of a loved one to a child?
A child's age and emotional maturity will greatly affect how they feel, understand, and show their grief.
Ages 2 to 7
Children comprehend death primarily as a separation rather than a definitive cessation until around the age of seven. This way of thinking may make them feel alone, rejected, and very scared. They might get scared of being alone and not want to sleep alone at night, go to school, or be away from their main caregiver for even a short time.
Because kids this age usually don't have the verbal skills to talk about their complicated feelings, they often "act out" their feelings instead through behaviors that can be seen. Some of these behaviors are throwing temper tantrums often, not listening to adults or following rules they used to follow, going back to earlier stages of development, or making up elaborate imaginary situations and acting them out.
Children between the ages of 2 and 5 may also show other behavioral changes, such as trouble eating (not wanting to eat or eating too much), trouble sleeping (having nightmares, having trouble falling asleep, or waking up a lot), going back to the toilet, or bed-wetting problems that weren't there before. Very young children, those under 2 years old, may abruptly cease verbal communication or markedly diminish it, frequently exhibiting increased irritability, fussiness, or general difficulty in being consoled.
Ages 7 to 12
Kids in this age group are starting to understand that death is a permanent, irreversible event that happens to all living things. But they might start to see death as a more personal and immediate threat to their own safety and survival. This understanding can lead to a strong fear of dying or a lot of worry about other family members dying.
Some kids this age might do things that are "preventive" or "protective" to try to stay safe from death. These might include always being physically close to someone they think can protect them (like a parent or older sibling), focusing hard on being "brave" or "strong," trying hard to be "good" or obedient, or making strict rituals that they think will keep them safe.
Some kids may just pull away from friends, family, or activities they used to enjoy. Academic and behavioral symptoms may encompass substantial difficulties in concentrating on academic tasks, pronounced challenges in adhering to instructions or fulfilling assignments, obstacles in executing routine daily activities, or an overall deterioration in academic performance.
Teens
Teenagers generally comprehend and conceptualize death in a manner akin to adults; however, they may articulate and process their grief in distinctly different ways compared to mature adults. Teens may respond in more extreme and intense ways, or they may act recklessly or dangerously in a misguided effort to "defy" death or take charge of their own death.
If a teenager is having trouble dealing with life, they may drive recklessly or while impaired, start smoking cigarettes or vaping, drink alcohol, try illegal drugs, have sex without protection, or do other risky things. These may all be ways of "acting out" their complicated worries, feelings of being powerless, and deep sadness.
Some teens who are having a hard time dealing with their loss and the strong emotional pain they are feeling may start to think about suicide all the time. Some signs that a child or teen may be at risk for suicide are being obsessed with death and dying, having thoughts of suicide that keep coming back, talking openly about wanting to die or not wanting to live anymore, giving away valuable things to friends or siblings, feeling hopeless or worthless, withdrawing from all social connections, or having big mood or behavior changes.
Parents and caregivers of teens who have lost a loved one should keep an eye out for any big changes in their child's behavior, mood, social life, or what they say. If you think your teen might hurt themselves or kill themselves, get professional mental health help right away. Do not wait or think that the feelings will go away on their own.
Supporting Grieving Children
Regardless of age, children benefit from:
- Honest, age-appropriate communication about what has happened
- Consistent routines that provide security and stability
- Permission to express emotions in healthy ways
- Reassurance that they are loved and will be cared for
- Patience as they process their grief in their own way and time
- Professional support when grief becomes overwhelming or persistent
If you need guidance on helping a child through grief or would like referrals to child grief counselors in the Coudersport area, please contact Thomas E. Fickinger Funeral Home at 814-274-8888. We're here to support your entire family.
Crisis Resources
If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts:
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988 (call or text)
- Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
- Available 24/7 for immediate support